Saturday, February 19, 2005
The door makes a soft click as I close it slowly. I turn around and walk to our bedroom, my shoes padding the wooden floor. I dread going in here, i hate the way your back's always facing me whenever i come in and it always feel so cold in here nowadays. And it hurts me every time when you pretend that you're already asleep when i come home. I take off my chucks and socks, undo my belt and step out of my pants. I climb in bed and pull the blanket to my waist. I turn to face you and is greeted with your back.
"Jere" I say. No replies, you don't know how much this hurts me, Jere. I touch your back softly and your body go stiff. "I know you're awake, Miah".
I breathe in a sigh. Suddenly, you turn around and look at me. Your eyes are watery.
"Baby, is there something wrong?" I say, concerned, touching your left tear-stained cheek.
"Yes" You say, choking back your tears. I wait in silence with what you are about to say. "M-matt..." You stammer. "I think i'm leaving you"
I am shocked with what you just said. "But, Miah...why?" I choke out.
You close your eyes for a while. My lips tremble, i think i am going to cry. You open your eyes and bite your lower lip before speaking. "Matt, look at us. We're not functioning anymore. You come home and then there used to be hugs, Matt, and kisses, there even used to be fucking, remember that Matt? What happened to us? I know you love me, Matt, i do, and i love you, too. I think i always will. But i don't know about us being like this, Matt. I don't fucking know what's happening. You're always too tired for everything. Stop fucking blaming the job. Do you think i have fun staying at home, doing all the fucking housework? It's a fucking wreck, Matt. The band's gone, our time's over and ...i can't fucking stand this normalcy. I need the crowd, the euphoric feeling on stage. But i don't have that now, all i have is you, i'm completely okay with that, in fact, i'm content with that, but sometimes i don't think i even have you. Where is the Matt i used to know?"
I hold back my tears. "Jere, I've always been here. You just never bother to look for me anymore".
You bury your face in the crook of my neck. Always a perfect fit. I feel you give a sad smile and i know you are thinking about how your face always perfectly fit onto the crook of my neck.
"Hold me, Matt" You say, leaning your body forward. I press your body closer to mine and rest my hands on your waist. It has been long since i touched you. It feels different now, new.
"I love you, Jere" I say, completely meaning it, knowing it won't change your mind but i really just want to say it again for the last time.
"I love you too, Matt. Will you miss me?" You say, your eyes closed as you graze your lips across my neck.
"I will" I say. "Why do you have to leave, Miah? I don't want you to go" I say, desperation starting to take over me.
"I just have to, Matt. Maybe if we're not around each other all the time, things would be different. Better. I think we just need our own some spaces, find our own paths"
I nod, not knowing what else to say. You give me a light kiss on the lips and stand up from the bed, your bags already packed on your side of the bed. You pick them up, walk to the door, turning around to blow me a little kiss before walking out. I hear the front door shut and i know that's the end of us. I just know. And because i love you, i would let you go and save you the heartbreak.
Bida eh. Please don't comment.
Envy drowned in words at 04:15
[- 0 wrecked words -]
